I got set up on blogger… I have no idea how to use it so I hope I don’t lose touch with everyone… you can find me here and hopefully we can all stay in touch.

http://notallwhowanderarelost13.blogspot.com/

Love you ladies… thank you for the years (almost 10) of love, support, and prayers.  I could not have made it through these years without you.

Courtney

We are home in Arizona… safe and sound. 

We have hit the ground RUNNING and so I don’t have any time.  We have Ryan for 2 precious weeks and then we say goodbye for a while.  I’ll be back later when things slow a bit but I wanted to come and say thank you for all of your prayers over these months of frustrations… 

Courtney

I only have a moment… but we have tickets!  We are out of Turkey this week.  Ryan will have two weeks to settle us in, say his goodbyes, enjoy family and then he’s on a plane back to Turkey and then a deployment and we won’t see him again until 2014. 

The flat out battle to get out of here has resulted in two IG investigations and a bunch of people are going to get in trouble… That seems to be our lot in life. 

We are rock turners. 

I guess that’s a calling too.  sigh…

So it’s Tuesday, we got our tickets on Monday… we have about 24 hours left to pack and close down the house and and and… When things start to move around here they MOVE! 

I’ll try to come back and let you know when we are finally in AZ!

Courtney

I have put off coming back because I’m so sick of writing negative things and giving bad news and feeling like my life is one drama after another.  However, there is news and I may as well give it.

I need your prayers.  Things are ugly here right now.  To go into detail would take more time than I have, be filled with acronyms you wouldn’t understand, and flat out just be unbelievable.  I don’t ever want anyone to come here, read my blog, and wonder if I’m for real… and yet, somehow, every time I read it myself that’s what I’m thinking!

Basically, we have dealt with unreal ego, lost paperwork, shady restrictions, and now one man has put a medical hold on my ERD, at literally the very last minute, because he’s sure he can find a Turkish doc who will agree to treat me.  Thus we enter a legal battle because I will refuse off base treatments (I am within my rights to do so due to the nature of my illness and certain other things about medical here that I can’t talk about) but it will be long and ugly and will leave me stuck here in Turkey while Ryan still has to deploy. 

I need prayers for favor, resolution, and some peace of mind… because frankly I’m about to lose it!

“Why me Lord?  What have I ever done?”

Well, we are delayed for yet another week.  This time because I got food poisoning.  Not the kind you get in the states that lasts for 12 to 24 hours and is horrible but short lived (don’t think I’m saying it’s not bad… I HATE food poisoning) but the stuff you hear about when people travel in to 2nd and 3rd world countries… because that’s where I am. 

I ate off base, as I have done 100 times before… but I did it at the beginning of our summer… apparently they don’t change the way they handle their food until it gets really hot and this is a common problem here.  GAG

I’m on day three of the sickest I have ever been in my adult life.  I spent a full 2 days in bed because I could barely stand up and today I’m couch bound.  I’ve lost 15 pounds so there’s an upside… *insert weak laughter here*

So obviously I wasn’t going to be on today’s plane… Next week it is then… I believe that’s our 5th delay now.  Seven weeks since I was told that I needed to be on the next plane out of the country…  but who’s counting? 

Oh and that song up there?  I’m taking it out of context… it’s a phenomenal song!

Why Me Lord by Kris Kristofferson

Why me Lord what have I ever done
To deserve even one of the pleasures I’ve known
Lord, what did I ever do
That was worth lovin’ You or the kindness You’ve shown

Lord help me, Jesus, I’ve wasted it
so Help me Jesus I know what I am
But now that I know that I’ve needed You so
Help me, Jesus, my soul’s in Your hand

Try me, Lord, if You think there’s a way
I can try to repay all I’ve taken from You
Maybe Lord, I can show someone else
What I go through myself, on my way back to You

Lord help me, Jesus, I’ve wasted it so
Help me Jesus, I know what I am
But now that I know that I’ve needed You so
Help me, Jesus, my soul’s in Your hand Jesus, my soul’s in your hand

Military life dictates that at the drop of a hat your whole life can change… again…  I always expect it and I am always caught off guard. I suppose I have yet to perfect my “ever vigilant” stance.

We had a game change mid day…

We will all be on a plane next week (it was supposed to be last week but the wheels grind slowly) 

Ryan will have two weeks to get us settled and say his goodbyes. 

Then he will return to Turkey… alone… for the remainder of his tour.  This will include a deployment.

We are now back to living with my parents and expecting to see him sometime in January if everything goes through and there are no more surprises. 

I’m struggling with all the changes… and I’ll admit that I’m disappointed.  I had made my peace with a long separation… then they said we wouldn’t be apart for more than a few months and I let myself (I KNOW BETTER) get comfortable with that… and now it’s time to pay the piper.

There are more details and reasons than I understand or have time to go into… but this is final (as final as anything can be)

We would as always appreciate any prayers and I’ll be seeing you from America soon!

Courtney

If you’ve already seen this on Facebook I apologize… what a crazy week it’s been!

We found out on Friday night that the Air Force has decided to not only ERD (early release of dependents) Isaac and I home, but to also put us on the EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) There are a lot of ramifications of this, most of which I don’t understand and therefore can not explain… But here is the immediate fall out.

Ryan is escorting Isaac and I home immediately (Probably in the next week but at this point we STILL don’t have a date) so that I can get treatment.  He will then return to Turkey, pack out our house, ship our car, move into the dorms and wait while the paperwork goes through.  The EFMP codes me for certain care and affects profoundly where we can and can not be assigned.  So in a matter of weeks we will have a new assignment.  Ryan’s assignment here will be curtailed and we will immediately PCS (Permanent Change of Station) to a new base.

They are going to try to station us at Luke AFB in Phoenix.  We get to pick one base that we have a justification to be stationed at and as Phoenix is the ONLY base we have justification for (Family support system, the one doctor that has successfully treated my illness, the location of my gastric bypass surgeon) it’s the base we chose.  With these justifications we have about a 50% chance of being given this assignment.  When you consider the sheer amount of bases, 50% chance to go to ONE is a pretty good chance.  If they can not find a place for us at Luke we will be stationed at the first base they have a position for Ryan and the correct medical facilities for me. 

And so begins yet another season of waiting…   We SHOULD have orders in a few weeks so that we know where we are going, we SHOULD know by the end of today when we will be on a plane out of here… but it’s the Air Force and things change at the drop of a hat!

I’ll try to keep you updated!

Do you know what I miss?  Drama free life… not that it was ever 100% drama free… but on December 28th of 2011 things blew up in my face with a phone call and it’s been DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA ever since.  If I tell people just a little bit of our story they’re jaws drop and I feel like a total drama queen! 

Courtney

Living with a chronic illness that causes severe muscle and joint pain, exhaustion, dizziness, and weakness (especially when it is not being correctly treated) can make being the kind of mom I want to be difficult.  There are days when all I want to do is sit on the couch, unmoving, until I can reasonably go to bed again.  I have a two year old that has no off button, so that’s not an option.

I waited for so long to be a mother, I struggled and prayed, I filled nights with weeping… When I learned that Isaac was on his way my heart was overjoyed…

I’ll admit to you that sometimes I feel horribly cheated.  Cheated that God allowed me to wait and suffer for ten years for a child, and at the very threshold of motherhood He allowed my body to betray me in a way that makes it almost impossible for me to be the mother I so desperately wanted to be for all of those years.

I know God has a plan, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has a plan for my life… I’ll be the very first to admit that I have no idea what the silver lining is in all of this.  But I know there must be, because my God is ever faithful. 

I heard a song today that I haven’t listened to since the first months of Isaac’s life.  It meant something so different to me then… now it has a more profound impact on my heart.  Because, no matter how sick and tired I am, no matter how short my fuse, no matter how badly I just want to go back to bed… I can’t.  And my beautiful, smart, funny, amazing, miracle of a son is the reason.

No matter how tired I am I can not help but rejoice.

Me by Plumb

I haven’t had a chance to sleep
And when I wake, I wake with your dreams
I guess, my pillow holds some kind of key
To your peace, your peace

Me, I wouldn’t trade your love
For all the candy in this great big world
Me, I feel so crazy blessed and oh, so lucky
To be the place you go when you need to feel safe
When you need a kiss, it’s me

I haven’t showered and I try to eat
But all your tears, oh, they needed me
I need some time, some time to think
Then I hear you, what you need is

Me, I wouldn’t trade your love
For all the candy in this great big world
Me, I feel so crazy blessed and oh, so lucky
To be the place you go, I’ll wash your face
To make room for all the kisses of tomorrow
And everyday that I get to be here with you is sweet

Me, I wouldn’t trade your love
For all the candy in this great big world
Me, I feel so crazy blessed and oh, so lucky
To be the place you go when you need to feel safe
When you need a kiss, oh, don’t be afraid
‘Cause what you’ll have is me

I miss being here… It’s not even about time… it’s energy… I don’t have any.

I’m the sickest I have ever been… It turns out that this Chronic Iron Deficient Anemia is rare and brand new.  Iron Deficient Anemia is nothing new… many women suffer from it after pregnancy and it can be corrected by a diet change, a short term supplement course and in extreme cases the IV infusions that are my life now…  It an easily corrected issue that for the most part does not return.

And then there’s me.

My illness is chronic.  That means that they can get me up to a level with extreme treatments, I maintain that level for a short time, and then my levels begin to fall.  As of right now I’m on a rescue plan.  This means they wait for me to fall to rock bottom and then give the the treatments and we start all over again.  This means that for about 6 months of every year I feel like crap.  Because, along with the tiredness my other symptoms include; weakness, dizziness, severe muscle pain, joint pain, seriously impaired equilibrium, queasiness, and exhaustion… along with a myriad of other issues. 

It took me forever to get in to see the doctor this time and once I finally did I was in for a shock.

She walked in and did not touch me.  She didn’t take my temperature, my blood pressure, my heart rate, nothing.  She said, “I have one question… Why are you here!?  How did you get here?!”

She went on to say that they had no way to treat me and my condition, that my care plan was ridiculous as it does not actually improve my health but barely maintains it and they can’t do it here anyway, and that the treatments I received last summer were not even correct to my care plan. She got all upset and treated me like I had pushed and finagled the system to get here… When I told her how it had unfolded she was livid.  The next words were…

“I am giving you an immediate ERD. (Early release of dependants) Your command sponsorship will be revoked. (This means Ii couldn’t even stay if I wanted to.) You will not wait for the paperwork to go through, you will be on the next rotator out of Turkey.  You will be Q coded so that this never happens again.”  (That means that we can never again be stationed overseas or at a small base without the proper care facilities.)

When I told her that Ryan had to leave for a class she cleared me to wait until he was home as she insisted that I was too sick to travel alone (Thank the Lord… seriously) but then we had to be out.  She wants the name of my doctor in AZ and will immediately arrange treatment. 

So, Isaac and I will be leaving Turkey in a matter of a few weeks… Ryan will escort us home to AZ and then say his goodbyes… for 13 months.  He will return to Turkey to pack out our house, ship us home our car, and then he will deploy to downrange and we’ll see him again in April, when he comes to pick us up to move to our next duty station.  We will find out where that will be sometime in December of this year.

It’s good and bad… it’s scary and a relief… I can’t even begin to tell you how bad living here has become… and I want to feel better so badly.  I don’t ever again want to here my son say,

“”Momma, when daddy comes home, will you go to the doctor so you won’t be sick anymore and won’t be nasty or frustrated ever again?”

I want to get well… and I want a proper maintenance plan so that I feel better all the time…  A doctor would NEVER treat a diabetes patient or a heart patient like this… You don’t treat a chronic illness until the person is well and then take them off of those meds… You maintain a level that gives them quality of life.  That is my goal…

We would, as always, appreciate your prayers… I’m going to try to come back to Xanga again. I miss the interactions and the relationships I’ve made here are lasting and deep. 

Will all my love, until next we meet,

Courtney

I guess by now you’ve all figured  out that blogging is taking a back seat… pretty much until Isaac goes to school at this point. 

Life is… life.

We are still dealing with giant ugly legal stuff back home.  Even though we aren’t there it feels like I spend hours every day on the phone and emailing back and forth with family members… because it’s legal battles on several fronts at this point…

If you haven’t seen my protected stuff, in three years time three of our parents have had cancer… BOTH of Ryan’s parents currently do…  My father in law is just about ready to get out of the hospital after extensive and extremely invasive surgery for his bladder cancer.  He lost his bladder, his prostate, a bunch of lymph nodes and is going to probably have chemo.  He’ll have 6 to 8 weeks of intense at home recovery which will include visiting nurses…  all with the two little kiddos in the house that they are now raising…  It’s been rough and it doesn’t really look like it’s going to get easier soon.  So we help in any way we can…

My health is… eh…  I had all my treatments and still feel terrible… I need to see a specialist again to see if my treatments need to be adjusted.  I can’t see a specialist until we move back stateside.  I’m on a two year care plan here under regular docs who don’t know anything about my condition.  It’s a mess.  So this is me.  I’m tired all the time and struggle to play with my kiddo… this is why we hired a maid. 

Oh well… I’ll do the best I can… fight for the best care I can… and know when things have to give… and for now Xanga is a big part of it.  I also spend a TON of time posting things on facebook because that’s where my family is… It’s the only way they can experience Isaac other than phone calls now and then… so it’s where my time goes these days.  Find me there if you want to keep up… It feels like coming here is just redundant… I don’t have the energy to share things twice and I don’t have the energy to write my thoughts or feelings out…  I’m exhausted in every way and choosing to give what little I have to Isaac and Ryan.

Other than that we’re okay… I’m struggling a bit…  The political and religious atmosphere make this tour… interesting… And the general feel of the short tour it is make friendships hard…  We are pretty much on our own while we’re here.  It’s lonely… and the fact that I’ve lost you guys as a large part of my life leaves a hole… But I just can’t be here…

If you want to take me off your lists I understand… I’ll keep my site open, I’ll read as often as I can, I’ll be here… but I think it’s time I admit that I’m not going to be HERE for a while… instead of writing an apology blog every few months. 

I miss you… having you in my life has been an honor and a blessing that you can’t imagine!  Love you,

Courtney